I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
