Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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