Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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