I'm gonna have a badass scar
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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