She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
