You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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