I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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