can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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