I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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