You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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