I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
