The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
