Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
