I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
