Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
