my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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