um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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