all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
