kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
