The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
