you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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