guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
