this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
