i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
