i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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