I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
