I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
