u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
