May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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