I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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