Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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