saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
