I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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