what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
