My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
