That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
