Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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