i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
