mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
