I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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