I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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