Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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