I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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