6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
