apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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