I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
