cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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