Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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