just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
