a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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