i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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