I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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