I think I died a long time ago.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just made my gag reflex go away.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
