you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
