Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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