How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
