My friends, they love my intelligence
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize