I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
